2003-08-18 - 7:39 a.m.
I am so tired...
All I really want to do right now is go home...
Every day it is the same thing...gotta loose the weight...gotta loose it. But for God only knows why, it isn�t working. I watch what I eat...in fact I have cut back a fair ammount...I have to, if I want to hold up my �end of the deal�. I walk till my legs are ready to fall off, I am hungry way too often...and I am miserable.
Today I find out that the scale that i have been using has been slowly fucking up...so all that nice weight I dropped...nope. According to the new scale, I am not 275 at all...I am still at 290. Fuck...why am I even bothering.
And all I hear is how I am not organized enough...or I am not trying hard enough...or...or...or...
Is it worth it? I am beginning to wonder now.
50 pounds in 5 months...I guess thats good...but not good enough. My goal was to loose 20 pounds a month (can we say unrealilistic. But that is what my Pop wanted to see me do...so I tried)...so I should have lost twice that weight by now...or at least that was the plan.
Weight Watchers says that you should only loose 10% of you total weight every 12 weeks...
Somewhere in the back of my head I remember hearing that a healthy rate of weight loss is 5 pounds a month...
All I can see right now is that I have once again failed to keep up my end of �the bargin�. Story of my life it seems...everything half assed for me... School... Sca... Marriage... Work... everything. No motivation, no drive, no follow through...And now we can add whiner to the list as well it seems.
Fuck...I am so tired.
Looks like I am going to be headed to LA this up comming week. Puckeater is going to be out here on this coast...in the land of beautiful people. So Wednesday I am going to be renting a car (flights cost too much...cause I waited too long to book one)...and fuck it, it is going to be a convertible (mustang), cause I am going to make sure that I enjoy something...and driving is as yall know, something that I REALLY enjoy.
I do believe that we are going to Universal Studios and Venice Beach...and then where ever else we get the bug to to go...I sure hope it lifts this black cloud that has settled firmly on me.
Well...2 and a half months left now...succede or fail...I will be back where I belong.
Sigh...I am so tired.
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