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2002-07-18 - 1:50 p.m.

What to say�

Well it looks like the folks across the street are going to be throwing another party on Friday. Sigh�why do they always do that when I have plans for an early rise and stuff to do in Saturday? I swear they do it on purpose. They must like seeing me drag my sorry butt out of the house, frown at the sun, and try to be productive. Ok not really but I swear�

I am holding my breath right now. I am expecting to be pleasantly surprised tomorrow by a call from Pro-Tech telling me that my heads have been shipped. I sure hope I don�t get let down again. It is hard to get back �up� after you have gotten all excited about something, only to be let down again. Lets hope it doesn�t happen. I really �Need� this episode in my life to be finished. I am very tired of being trapped in Tidewater. It is very hard for me to have to ask folk for rides, or to borrow a car. I have always had transportation of one type or another in my life. When I was younger it was my bike, and then a car or motorcycle or what have you. I have always felt that as long as I could leave or get away (even for a little bit) everything would be fine. I dunno, I would have to say of all the things that I have�my freedom to go/travel/do my own thing is what I value most. I don�t like feeling trapped anywhere. And when I do�I get, well for lack of a better word, I get ansy.

In another life...in another time...perhaps I would have been an explorer...or at least a wanderer...

It all goes back to the way I was raised I guess. I always had the freedom to go wherever I pleased, whenever I pleased. I never had a curfew, and I never was told that a place was off limits. My folks trusted me to make the right decisions. I guess it helped that that I never abused those privileges. I always let my folks know where I was going, and when I expected to be back�and if the plan changed�well all I had to do was tell them. For example by the time I was 13/14 it was not uncommon for me to get on my bike and ride from Vienna to Falls Church, or Reston with my buddy just so we could get to a gaming/comic store or a good arcade. So basically from the time I was 14, as long as I followed a few simple rules, I could go wherever I pleased. It�s kinda funny, but I remember when my brother and sister reached that age I was deeply upset that my folks would not extend that privilege to them as well. They had bikes�but were not allowed to leave the neighborhood. All mom could ever say was that things have changed�the world is not as safe as it was when I was younger. Well that and my sibs never seemed to want to go anywhere anyway.

By the time I got to college the number of folks that still had their lives dictated by their parents astounded me. I soon realized that this freedom to do you own thing, to sink or swim, was not something enjoyed by many people. Even though these folks were in college their parents still maintained as much control over their kids as possible. I never understood how folks could stand to have their lives controlled like that. Perhaps that is why I saw so many folk crash and burn at school. They finally had a little bit of freedom, and they didn�t know what to do with it, so they went overboard. Got burned, and then when was all said and done, they ended up loosing more of their freedom than they had to begin with. Many a friend said they were envious of the freedom that I had at college, little did they know how envious of their safety net I was. It is really a double-edged sword. On one hand it is nice to only have to answer to yourself�but on the other hand knowing that someone will ALWAYS be there to pick you up when you fall is comforting. Yeah if I fell far enough and hard enough, family was there for me�but I always felt like I had failed, or that I had let someone down when I did. So even when I was at some of my lowest moments I tried to fix things on my own. That is how I got into cooking. I couldn�t afford to pay rent/utilities and eat. So I got a job at a restaurant as a cook�that way I knew that I would at least get one good meal a day. I guess that is the price you pay for answering to no one but yourself.

Perhaps I was lucky, growing up when I did, under the circumstances that I did. Maybe Mom is right, the world is not as safe as it used to be�but then maybe it is. Perhaps growing up an only child (till I was 14) with only myself to play with (yes the adults did play with me some�but that is not the same as a playmate your own age) taught me early on to do things by myself, to go �adventuring� on my own. Maybe that is why I like to spend time with people now (I find it is always easier/more enjoyable do projects or chores or whatever with a buddy). I spent so much by myself when I was younger, that I really appreciate company now when I have it.

So how does all this relate to me now. Well, I am back to doing everything on my own again. I only have to answer to myself. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, I miss the company�but I am back to something I am very familiar with. Now if I could only get my ability to �up and go� back�I will be one happy camper again.

So today, under duress, I learned that Penis Enlargement surgery is very dangerous. Not dangerous like you will die�but that Most of the time it leaves your member severely disfigured, and with minimal capability for normal function. The scar tissue that forms will often cause any gain in size to be lost, and can even result in having a smaller member than you started with. The stuff they inject in to your member often leaves it disfigured (all lumpy and bulging and well scary looking). And lastly�most of the time, after the surgery�well you cant use your bits for recreation anymore�it just wont respond to stimulus! Now�I am sure everyone wants to know why I know this�and I am sure yall have already come up with your own answers�but the truth of it is my co-workers were talking about it this morning. Seems that one of them has a friend that is considering having the work done, so they spent all morning researching it on the internet (I do work in a library after all, which is full of people who want to learn about things)�and of course since I am the only guy at the branch, they felt the need to tell me all the gory details. (Just so they could seem me squirm I think.) Fortunately, I escaped back in to my lab when they started discussing weights, pumps, and stretching thingies�Man I am glad that I am the only one at work today that has a key to my lab.

So�whether you wanted to or not�what did you learn today?

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