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2002-04-29 - 10:35 a.m.

How odd this thing called depression.

I am a rock. I stand strong and silent and weather everything that comes my way. I am centered. I see things in a way that others don�t, can�t, or won�t. I have an uncanny ability to forgive�anything. I am able to move on after anything. But what this really amounts to is my gift/curse. A function of my ADD is that every day is a new day. Not cause I want it to be, but because unless I work REAL hard at it, I can�t remember what happened the day before. Now don�t get me wrong, I can tell ya basically what happened, but if you start asking me for details�well, they just are not there.

Now that leads me to my latest frustration. Random times during the day I get floored by these periods of intense sadness. For example I was at the grocery store the other day, and half way up an aisle I couldn�t go any further. I couldn�t tell ya why either. I was just very sad. I think about it hard, and I tell myself that it is because I am in the middle of a divorce, but that doesn�t seem to answer anything. Then I get annoyed at myself, take a few deep breaths, and move on. And in a couple moments it is gone�what ever �it� was. And a few minutes after that, I have forgotten that it had happened. Until it happens all over again.

I guess that it is hard to solve one�s problems when you can barely remember what they are�until it presents its self to you�again.

Hmm, yet another entry that is getting no where fast. Let�s try a topic change.

The SHO is still not finished, and at the moment I feel that it won�t be done for many days yet. I guess if I keep telling myself that I wont see it till the end of the week, I will be thrilled when I get it back sooner. I have finally run out of time for working on the thing, so my mechanic buddy is putting the car back together. The sooner it is done though, the sooner I can get out of Norfolk. I really need a break from this city.

Work lately has become a real pain in the ass. No my branch manager has become a real pain in the ass. She is continuing to pile stupid projects on me with unrealistic expectations and deadlines to go with em. I feel like I have had to become devious and underhanded just in order to interact with her. This is the lady who told me that the time I took for myself the other week (after my separation became permanent) was going to have to be unpaid leave. I couldn�t use my sick leave cause�I wasn�t sick. I think her follow up remark was something like, Look people get Divorced all the time and they still go to work. You need to act more like a professional and do your job. Ironically if I came into work and told her that my dog was sick, (I have seen her do this) she would tell me to take all the time that I needed. Perhaps I should have told her that my dog died instead of my wife left me. That would have scored me a week off, no questions asked. Now today I am in a bind. I have a doctor�s appointment that I know will take longer than my allotted 1 hour lunch break. Of course her stand on this matter is I ought not to have scheduled my appointment for the middle of the day. Of course she doesn�t realize that I take what I can get. So now I have to come up with some sort of excuse or lie to cover myself while I go to the doctors today. I should not have to do this.

It is things like this that I find bring my sense of personal honor in to question. I do not like to deceive or manipulate people. But I find that it is easy to do. I refuse to do it to my friends, and to the people in this world that I respect. I feel that on one hand I should treat all people fairly, and with honor, even those that I feel don�t deserve it. But there is a darker side of me that says fuck em�do what ever is necessary to cover yourself and those you care about. This is a very slippery slope, as well, because I am finding that the older I get, the worse my opinion of many people that I am required to interact with becomes. I know that they are not bad people, but people I have no respect for, and can�t stand being around them. Thus my problem. Part of me thinks that I should treat them fairly with all the respect that I accord to the people I do respect and or care for, while another side thinks that I should use or manipulate them to accomplish that which is best for me and those I really do care about. Of course that is providing I can remember what it is that I am trying to accomplish.

Yet again another meaningless ramble. But if I at least get these thoughts out on �paper� I may be able to come back to em at a later time and make some sense of what is hiding in my head. Or at least expand on what it is that I am trying to say.

Hmm�I can think of one thing that has left a smile on my face. I had a very pleasant evening with Thorja last night. She was in town for a work conference. I stopped by the hotel last night, wandered around the harbor a little (a huge storm was threatening the area, so there were neat clouds, and lightning), and just enjoyed the quiet (which is an odd thing to say in the middle of the city). When Thjora had finished her meeting we piled into the Jeep, which had doors on it this time, and headed out to Nara Sushi for dinner. It was a nice night, good food (Kevin, the chef there decided that he was tired of making what we had ordered for dinner and asked if her could make whatever the �muse� told him to make�and all I have to say is�wow!), good conversation, and good company. Thanks for a wonderful evening. It is times like this that make me realize how lucky I am to have such great friends�

Wow what a jumbled mess�

But I feel better none the less.

Maybe my SHO will be done today anyhow� :)

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