2002-12-16 - 6:34 p.m.
It is Friday evening and I look up from the shield that I am painting and mutter to Vlad �I�ll bet ya I end up getting sick before this weekend is over.�
I should have bet him money, cause today I would have been that much richer.
It always seems to work that way with me. I push myself too hard, too far, and ultimately I end up getting sick because of it. The sad thing is I know this would happen�and I pushed myself anyhow. Why?
Yeah�I dunno either.
The event this last weekend was both an incredible source of frustration for me and a source of fun and excitement. The fighting was good. In fact for not having fought for a good 5 years, I did very well. OR at least that is what everyone is telling me. In fact the Puckeater went so far as to tell me that he was never able to kill me with a simple shot, they all had to be some funky knight shot (or something). So I guess that is comforting.
My body is telling me a different story however. Two big goose eggs on my forearm, a BIG bruise on the inside of my left thigh, another one the outside of my left thigh, and a right shoulder that is riddle with sore spots. It will only get better though. I will start getting beat up less and less as time goes by. And eventually I will start giving better than I get. Ahhh�how I hope that time doesn�t take too long.
Now on to my frustration.
I am deeply hurt and angry that no one seems to understand the pain that I feel when I hurt one of my friends (or anyone for that matter) when fighting. On Saturday I thought I had broken one of my friends arm. I saw his arm, I saw the pain on his face, and regardless as to what yall tell me�regardless if he knew the risks, or if it was his fault for not wearing better armor�it was still me that threw the blow that hurt him. When I saw his arm after they got his vambrace off it looked as if it had indeed been broken (granted I had misinterpreted what I saw). And at that moment I felt terrible. How could I look his wife in the eye and tell her that I had broken her husbands arm? How would I explain to his little boy that I had broken his daddy�s arm�
Yeah look I know, it is a rough game that we play. People get hurt, those are the risks, I know that. But I�ll be damned if I force myself to become numb to the pain that it causes me. Cause when I no longer care if I hurt someone, if I no longer feel their pain, then what will I have become?
I had many friends come up to me that day/evening and try to explain to me that what happened was not my fault. That I shouldn�t feel bad. That I should just let it go and keep on fighting. Fine�I�ll keep on fighting, but I can�t let go of the pain. And no one understand that. I asked them, when the last time was that they hurt someone so bad they quit fighting for the day? One of them said that they had never done that, another said that it had been several years�and when it was my turn to share I had to tell them that when I used to fight regularly�it happened almost EVERY FUCKING TIME I FOUGHT! I ended up breaking at least one person per practice or event or what have you. Yeah it isn�t my fault. Yeah I am not doing anything wrong, I am not an unsafe fighter�FINE! I believe all that�but it doesn�t change the fact that I am hurting people when I fight. It doesn�t make it any easier on me when I see someone writhing in pain from a �perfectly legal and well placed shot�.
I guess we all have our baggage. Some people are afraid of spiders, others are afraid of sharks, and I am afraid of hurting people. So please�try to understand the pain that I am feeling instead of telling me that I am just overreacting or that I am being stupid or irrational. I already know all that, but it doesn�t mean that I can make it stop.
Why was I so adamant about fighting with a mace for so long? Cause it was a padded weapon. It was MUCH harder for me to hurt someone with it. Why did I stop fighting? Cause I had the one thing that made fighting miserable for me rubbed in my face and broadcast all over my local Barony.
I was accused of hurting folks at practice. I was accused of breaking new fighters. I was accused of being a brute and a thug and numerous other things. I had my Baron take me aside numerous times to tell me lies like �the Earl Marshall is getting ready to revoke my authorization card because he had so many folks complain to him that I was not only a dishonorable and un-chivalrous, but that I ignored blows�and repeatedly broke the fighters in the Barony�.
So I stopped fighting. If I didn�t pick up a sword then I couldn�t hurt anyone�and then it didn�t matter anymore.
Now, at the request of a friend I have picked that sword back up, hoping that everything would be ok. Fearing that things wouldn�t. And this weekend I �broke� my first person since I have come back. I broke them at my first fighting event since I seriously picked up my sword again. And it got to me�bad.
No, I am not going to let it stop me from fighting this time�but you guys are just going to have to learn that this is just the way I am. It is one of the only ways that I keep the bear in check (another long story for those of you who are confused by this statement).
Just please try to understand where I am coming from instead of assuming that I am overreacting to the situation, or that I am being too hard on myself or something else like that. And if you cant, or don�t want to understand it�fine, but then please don�t tell me that you think I am being ridiculous or stupid�just do me the little favor of ignoring it�
And with that said�I am going back to bed.
Today I learned that none of the cold medicines that I take seem to be able to slow down my coughing�sigh�it is going to be another rough night.
So�what have you learned today?
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