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2003-01-07 - 1:38 p.m.

So why can�t things ever be easy?

I swear�it is so not fair.


Last night we were gifted with a blanket of snow�and it was wonderful. I had forgotten how much I loved seeing the world covered in that white mantle. The sounds of the city (if you can call Norfolk a City) are muted, the hustle and bustle is reduced to a trickle as people make last minute dashes to the store for milk and bread, and just for a moment you can pretend that you are somewhere else.

I almost didn�t go in to work today. Not cause I was feeling poorly (though I am still coughing like a fiend), not cause I did not want to brave the roads, not cause could not bring myself to face my class or the irritations that would come afterwards as I sat in the lab�But because I wanted to play in the snow. Because I am afraid that when it comes time for me to go home, all of the snow will be gone�and I will have missed it.

There is just something magical about the first real snow of the year. I hope that there is some left this evening.


It is funny how life can sneak up on you when you are least expecting it. I find myself questioning many of the things that I believe in these days. Trying to figure out what parts of me I am willing to change, and what parts I am not. What cost these changes will have and whether I am willing to pay that price. Whether these changes will turn me into someone I am uncomfortable or unhappy with�or whether they will make me into something better.

I guess that right now I just need to ride things out and see what happens.

Yesterday was Shrink day. Yeah I am still seeing my own Dr. Melfi pretty regularly, even though I am not always sure why. But yesterday as I was getting ready to leave The Doc said something to me that almost made me laugh out loud. He stood up, and with a huge smile on his face (he is usually so very deadpan) he tells me that he is very excited. We had such a very good session today, and are finally beginning to make some real progress. I swear to God I thought I was on TV. I didn�t think that real Shrinks said things like that. The funny thing was the progress that we made was in reference to something that I never thought was broken in the first place. It turns out (according to him at least) that I have some serious anger management issues�but not in the traditional sense. Where you would normally expect someone with these issues to have problems controlling their anger�I have the exact opposite problem. I never allow myself to �get angry�. And ya know�he�s right. I have always done my very best to control my temper�to keep my anger in check�to suppress those feelings. But I don�t like what happens when I get angry. Things get broken, I get mean, I say things that I ultimately regret, I loose control of me�and I do not like that. I liken it to the Bear. I try very hard to keep that part of me in check�and now I have my doctor telling me that I need to learn how to let it out.

But how?

How will this help me?

When I was a child I would get so very frustrated (the whole ADHD thing) and that would ultimately make me angry. But when I let that anger out the world stopped interacting with me. I was told that when I could behave more rationally, only after I settled down could any resolution of the issue at hand be discussed. So I guess I started teaching myself how to skip being angry and immediately start looking for ways to solve the issue.

But I still have no idea how to re-learn how to get/allow my self to become angry. What purpose does it really serve?

Doesn�t just dealing with it and getting over it seem like a better approach? Less people get hurt.

And that then leads me to the second issue that the Doc said I need to learn to deal with. I need to quit trying to protect those who I surround myself with. It is not my job, and should not be my job. Give folks the information up front and if they choose to then follow a path that leads them to hurting themselves�then it is not my fault. It is not my problem, and I should not feel like it is/was my responsibility.

This is going to be harder to accomplish than the whole anger thing I think. Ugh�sure looks like 2003 is going to have more than a few challenges in store for me. Fortunately for me I�m looking forward to meeting them.


Not really sure what I have learned today. Bu then again the day is not over yet, I still have time to pick up something new. Hmmm�perhaps I will spend the next few hours at work doing some random Website sampling and see what I can pick up.

So how bout you? What have you learned today?

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