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2004-07-23 - 2:57 p.m.

Today has pretty much sucked rocks…I get a notice that my clearance is under closer investigation. I had an unmarked brownie while I was in SF that was laced with pot. And not wanting to lie on my clearance paperwork…I reported it. Now “they” want a detailed account of the party that I went to and what the circumstances surrounding the “incident” were. But like I told them the first time around…it was a party where I knew no one. Aside from 1 person who I knew through my pop but who’s last name I didn’t even know. I go there…I have a beer…and in the kitchen with the beer are all sorts of pot luck goodies…including these fucking brownies that are now coming back to haunt me. But ya see…I was being SO good there staying out of the sweets and eating right that I figured what the hey…one brownie wont kill me. 20 minutes later I start feeling kinda poorly (pot and I do not get along) so I inquire about the baked goods…and then they tell me…oh those brownies…they are probable pot brownies. Sigh…so feeling worse I go home and head straight to bed. And I never thought anything of it other than “wow that get together really sucked”.

Now it seems that this incident could jeopardize my chances of getting a clearance. Fuckin A. I swear…if it is not one thing in my life…it’s another. Yeah I guess I am at fault. No one made me eat the brownie. No one made me got to a party where I knew no one but how much more pathetic should I be I could continue my anti-social hermit ways and stay home on a Friday night and watch some fucked up show on discovery about how the Nazis killed millions of innocent people.

When will I ever get a break?

On another note…I was informed today by a co-worker that I am a confrontational, mean spirited, overly aggressive person.


Pardon me?

Yeah…see it seems that every time I open my mouth it is to pick a fight. It is to be mean and hurtful. Could it be that she is overly sensitive? No not really…she talks plenty of shit…she takes it gracefully enough from my other co-workers…but as soon as I open my mouth she gets angry. I don’t get it. Even when I don’t say anything she then claims that I am just being passive aggressive and that is just as bad. In her words…I am a horrible person.

Anyone wanna dump sugar in my gas tank? Perhaps that is too nice for “a person like me”.

My only guess is that I remind her of her Ex…or something.

Still no word on the Jeep selling. I am getting a bit antsy about it selling. I wanna get my bike and start riding. Heh…yet another thing that I have been accused of by my co-workers. I was told that my obsession with bicycling is unhealthy. But damn…is it wrong to want to get active once again and make an attempt once again at something resembling a healthy fit human being?

Should I worry that it is also a solo sport that will only fuel my desire to avoid people. I can get out on the road and suffer on my own as I try and beat my body into something other than this joke that it currently is.

What did California do to me? Or was this something that has always been there? Or was it cause by something else? Where oh where did that happy social Bear go?



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